( KENOS ) COMMUNION.

[appeale]

come on, wake up.	you have to be careful.
don't make mistakes.	you know how quickly kindness can turn into violence.

( CODE BY WHAMBAM )

Comments

[appeale]

[ it's surreal to hear the reality of her life spoken aloud. she's never told Set a single thing about what she's been through, but he's seen fragments of it in Communion – and seen the effects of it, in her. after they connected beneath the Tree, she'd decided that she would never mention it again, that they could both carry on as though they didn't know, because that way he wouldn't have to pretend not to be disgusted with her. and yet, now, he mentions it so simply. it pries yet another thorn loose from her heart to hear her struggles acknowledged as such: inescapable. to hear it spoken of as terror and abuse, when for so long it has been nothing more than the mundane, day-to-day existence of her life.

she would have preferred to hide, but she meets Set's gaze when he searches for hers, more tears welling up in her eyes. he says all these things to her, everything she could ever want, and she is such a wretched, terrible excuse for a human being that, even so— ]

Even if I can't bring myself to believe you?

[ it sounds like a confession, coming from her. she remembers those words from the original Rudbeckia, in a scene that was never written within the pages of the novel: I probably would have spent the rest of my life testing your feelings. Even in my final moments, I would need to be assured that you were on my side. she's too much of a coward for that, to test a rope that she thinks might break, but...

the feeling made sense to her. she's the same way. no matter what someone tells her, believing it is a different matter. she's too damaged to be able to accept those words without caution, just as a beaten dog will bare its teeth at any kind hand offered. ]

Even if I'm awful, and selfish, and I doubt you over and over again... if I cause problems for you and I'm a burden... Am I still yours?

[redsoil]

[ Oh, he thinks. Is this what Nephthys meant, when she asked me to find joy in suffering together with humans? To find acceptance of them at their worse? Set cannot find love in his heart for humanity, even now. They are wretched, they have hunger beyond their right to possess, and greed and ugliness like insects. But, there are a few he has found that — by right of being "his", he can love. He had told Liem Talbott, that loving him and Ruby and Gen was the most painful love.

It was hard. It made him sick with it, to want to hold onto them despite their difficulties. Gen's animosity and abusive self-loathing, Liem's repression and endless self-neglect, and Ruby. Ruby, with her fear and endless need to be reassured because she cannot, and will not, believe in something that she could lose.

He supports her with one arm, the other seeking the soft curve of her cheek. The space below her eye where her tears gather and the bruises sit heavy on her pale face. When he touches, it is with hands that might not be quite sure enough about not being bruising or firm. A god of war is not a god of tenderness, though he has the capacity to be so very, very gentle. ( Part of him thinks she might not want him to be gentle, that she might wonder what lies behind a too-soft touch. So, he is always direct and firm with her. ) ]

You chose me.

[ That's all it took. ]

You can kick and scream, you can hide and lie, test me, cringe from me, curse at my rivals, cause problems, be wary of me, cry or flinch, beg and plead, cower from me or shelter in my arms — but, at the heart of you, you chose me. And you do believe me. Or in me, which is enough. Of course I will always think of you as mine.

[appeale]

[ under his touch, Rudbeckia allows herself to relax, her trust sincere and serene for once. her eyes fall shut and she leans into Set's hand; with all the tension gone from her body, all the parts of herself she keeps such a tight grasp on gone slack – her face seems to belong to someone deeply exhausted, not scared but lonely, and terribly sad. still, her mouth twists into a smile, and she releases a wet laugh. ]

You're going to turn me into a spoiled brat...

[ it's terrifying, letting herself be this greedy. wanting something, knowing that it can be taken from her so easily, that she could lose it through her own fault—it makes her feel sick. is this the best she can do? muster up the courage to leech off somebody else's kindness, unable to reciprocate in any way that matters? ahh. she's such an awful, twisted person.

but Set is so warm. these feelings are so warm. and she— ]

I like you. [ whether it's something she sends herself or a bleed that cannot be helped when their minds entangle so readily, there is a whisper of that love in Communion, the sensation of a heart full to aching. ] I mean it. I don't just want to stay with you because you're a god, or because I'm relying on you... I really, really like you.

[ she's still too afraid of the word love, having spoken it so many times in falsehood to soothe a predator, and fearful that it will be rejected the one time she presents it earnestly. ]