appeale | ( KENOS ) COMMUNION.

[ That's - what is that? There's a little jolt of alarm, of concern. Even if her words are... unerringly polite. ]

You're... quite welcome. Is everything alright?

Sure. [ a pause. ] Well, I died.

[ although she sounds flippant about it, what the Communion conveys is anything but: a small, shivering presence caught deep in a pitch-black mire, like a deer sinking into tar, too exhausted to even struggle for its life despite the horror filling up its throat. after everything she did to survive, in the end... ]

No, should I say I killed myself? I did what Hayame wanted of me and dissipated myself for Meridian's sake.

[ it's not as though that's what she was thinking in the moment, but isn't it true enough? she could have surrendered to Mordred in other ways. she could have offered up information about Meridian and it would have counted as a defeat, she's sure. the route she took was the one that only brought harm to herself. and for what? these self-obsessed, stubborn, hypocritical bastards. she should have just sold them out. ]

After all that, I'm just... a little tired right now.

[ There's a jolt of... what? Horror? Sadness? It's hard to say. Mingled emotions that don't fade, simply linger. He hates this place. This war. What it does to them. ]

Why? For what reason? Why dissipate yourself like that? No one should be asking that of you - no one has the right to ask that of you-

[ He's... what? Angry? No, not angry. Worried, perhaps. Disappointed. Shocked. ]

Do you need anything?

[ in that unsettling quiet of Ruby's mindscape, Hayame's voice rings out: I have a suggestion for you, "Priestess," that will keep you safe and far less of a burden on others. Have yourself reduced to a shard once the Oracle appears. there is another woman's voice, unknown to Dimitri, raised in anger: Just go and die quietly!

she is, it seems, accustomed to such things. although she does not reject the messy snarl of Dimitri's feelings, she sets them aside, uncertain of what to do with them. ]

It was my own fault. [ it makes her sick that she has to say this, but she does have to say it, before anyone else can—because they will, even if Dimitri wouldn't. if she doesn't say it first, then it will only be held against her. ] Mordred caught me in that—that room where someone has to prove their superiority over the other... I couldn't think of what else to do. I was trying to surrender. Nothing I offered was good enough, for her or the Oracle, and I just...

[ silence. ]

... I'm just really tired. [ of this place, these people. no, it's more than that: Kenos is not unique. no matter where she is, her life will always be this miserable. ] I don't need anything. I'll be fine. But thanks.

Edited 2023-12-23 05:34 (UTC)

[ The words stick with him and in response there's a swirl of more confused emotions. Sorrow, sympathy, pain, anger, even a sense of helplessness. Not quite despair, but a sense of frustration. Those remembered words echo in his head for a few long moments as she 'speaks' to him. ]

How can it be your fault? Do not blame yourself, please. Not for the sake of others or your own peace of mind...

[ He knows that road. Although it ends differently for him - he has the blessing of strength (or a curse, as may be). ]

You don't sound "fine". But... I cannot make you accept help. But if you need anything - an ear or food or anything all - I am more than willing to provide it. This - that isn't right.

[ a bitter taste floods their Communion, like swallowing poison. ]

I'm not an idiot. I know everyone else will blame me. [ it's resigned, rather than angry. she's long since accepted the reality of the world. there might be anger somewhere in the dark, tangled knot of feelings, but it hardly seems possible to separate the threads enough to distinguish. ] I should have been better, I should have fought instead of being a shameless coward. I don't have any right to complain, because I don't have a choice in the matter, so I'm just a stupid child throwing a tantrum...

[ she really tries not to behave this way. she does. it doesn't do her any good to speak her mind; the way that she is, any "honesty" she expresses will only ever be regarded as unseemly, repulsive, pathetic. ever since she came back from the Tree, though, something has ruptured, and her ugly insides bleed out.

So much for making Dimitri a lifeline. You've ruined your pretty image, Ruby. ]

Everyone in Springstar certainly thinks so. I've seen the way they look at me now.

[ there's a sense of ad nauseam, though – she isn't surprised that it's come to this. ]

I don't blame you.

[ There's a sense of... well, not pity. It's sympathy and perhaps a sense of understanding. Warmth, in a way. Gentleness. ]

Not everyone can fight. Or should. And it's up to those of us who are able to defend those people and fight in their places. What you did... I cannot claim it doesn't bother me in a way, but I can't blame you for it. I know what it is to fail and how tempting it is to blame one's self... but don't. It won't help you.

[ Another flicker of warmth. An attempt at reassurance. ]

Please, trust me in this instance.

[ Ruby laughs, softly. ]

I believe you. It's just not about what I think. That's what I'll have to say when I apologise for being here.

[ she isn't dismissive of Dimitri's warmth or his sincerity, because she can't doubt the truth of them when they're laid clear by the Communion—but these things are of no help to her. her own feelings don't matter at all, whether she blames herself or consumes the hatred fed to her by others. the problem isn't internal.

she's been failed many times before by well-meaning people who assumed as much. ]

I'm a burden in this place. I don't mean that in a self-pitying way, Dimitri—I am. To be honest, I couldn't care less about that. Why should I be embarrassed by that? For what, wanting to live? But... it's gotten to the point in all of this that people are looking to get rid of the dead weight, you know.

[ she pauses. ] And it's not just the Shard-Bearers. I probably don't have a place in Meridian anymore. Haah, maybe I should sell my house...

Whether you're a burden or not is immaterial; you didn't choose to be here. None of us did. All we can do is make the best of it. And even if you need help, even if you need protecting, even if all of that is true... you still don't deserve to be an outcast or to be disposed of as if you were some faulty or broken tool.

[ This is something he believes deeply. He has a great well of empathy and kindness in him. ]

You deserve a chance at life, just like the rest of us. If people trouble you... I have standing of my own. I can try to help, if you like.

Thank you, but you shouldn't waste your reputation on someone like me.

[ she doesn't want him to end up resenting her for it later. ]

I really will be fine. Even if I have to spend the rest of our time here hiding in Set's temple... I'll live. As long as I live, that's enough.

Believe me, I can look after my own reputation.

[ He is not going to back away from this. ]

I won't gainsay your decision. But I will help, if you need it.

[ a long pause, and the sense of hesitation—like a wary stray animal, not quite brave enough to approach an outstretched hand, but. choosing not to scurry back into the dark, at least. ]

... Thanks. I do mean that.

[ for the sentiment, if nothing else. she wouldn't hold him to the promise itself. ]

I never took you out for gelato, did I? [ back when he could think of her as cheerful and sweet, when she might have been good company. before she ruined it. there's no value in her presence now. ] Sorry.

[ He knows the feeling; he was on the other end of that, although perhaps not in the same way or for the same reasons. So he just keeps the offer there, unwilling to withdraw it. ]

There's no time like the present.

[ There's a trace of amusement in his voice. ]

But I don't hold that against you. Things have been... strange.

For you too, huh?

[ she doesn't bother to pay much attention to the lives of others unless it concerns her. she's had a turbulent few months, but she's sure Dimitri's situation would be for different reasons. ]

Yes. I'm not sure how I feel about the attention... although I suppose I should consider myself fortunate it's more positive.

[ There's a slow sigh. ]

I won't trouble you with a description, though. Suffice to say it's been... challenging.

I was going to say we'd go get gelato when my reputation is a little less dire... Maybe we should wait until it dies down for both of us.

[ if he's the darling of Meridian at the moment, it would be even worse for her to be seen fraternising with him. ]

It's... a little unfair, don't you think? The way they treat us.

A little, I think.

[ He's generally the sort of person to try and think the best of people, but still... ]

None of us asked to be here or to be summoned or to fight for this cause, whichever side we choose. The people judging us for how well we take to it...

[ He laughs. ]

...I know war and life don't give us that luxury of choice all the time. But being held up as a champion for a cause like this, for a faction we're suddenly thrust into - it feels off, somehow. No matter how much I want to bring it all back.

come on, wake up.	you have to be careful.
don't make mistakes.	you know how quickly kindness can turn into violence.

( KENOS ) COMMUNION.

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