( KENOS ) COMMUNION.

[appeale]

come on, wake up.	you have to be careful.
don't make mistakes.	you know how quickly kindness can turn into violence.

( CODE BY WHAMBAM )

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[appeale]

[ there are not words for the tangled knot of feelings that make up her heart in that moment, and to name each thread individually wouldn't properly describe the whole. relief, hope, longing, grief. they are all so small. it's not enough. and those small, insignificant things aren't enough to express how much Set's words mean to her, either. so—so, she cracks open the door she had locked, and she allows Set to see all of it.

It is not your fault.

no one has ever said it. not once in her miserable existence has anyone told her the thing she's always wished she could hear. as much as she can tell herself that the blame isn't hers to bear — it leaves a bruise when she has carried it for so long. without even thinking, she begins to accept the fault as her own even while she cries and rails against the unfairness of it. but hearing someone else say it, hearing Set say it – that it isn't her fault, she didn't do anything wrong, she's suffered so much and endured it as best she can and he doesn't think that she's dirty or shameful and even if she's still like this he'll defend her because he knows that she's just trying to live—

it is a gasp of air for someone who has been drowning all her life, lungs filling so fast that her head spins. it is a knot pried loose, a thorn removed, a remedy applied to a festering wound. and with some of the unbearable, crushing weight lifted from her, she has enough room within herself to think—

ah. she loves him. she really, really loves him. no matter what happens in the near or distant future, whether he discards her harshly for her mistakes or she simply fades from his life when he has returned to the place he belongs and fulfilled his obligations to her, she won't ever forget any of this. these memories will remain precious, untainted by any bloodshed that may follow. ]

I'm sorry. [ it comes out strangled, a broken little cry that Set wouldn't have heard if he hadn't hoisted Ruby up, her arms wound tightly around his neck. ] I was trying not to cause you any trouble... We got in an argument before and she didn't like that I said I was yours, and I should have just kept my mouth shut. I shouldn't have said anything, back then or this time. I didn't want you to get tired of me...

[ her habit rears its head – as always, she cannot explain herself properly. she always rushes to the end. ]

[redsoil]

[ How can he explain to anyone, in plainer words, about what their relationship is — what she does, how she contributes? She is mine, ought to cover it, he feels. She is his to command and protect, his to conspire with. Half the time, she helps Meridian when she reports in to him, monitors his network of social connections and maintains the confidence and support of Springstar's people.

Why must she be anything to Meridian, when he stands for her? He keeps his vow, he proves his worth to the goal and shelters one who wishes that of him. Is that not power? Is that not proof of who he truly is and what he is capable of? Nobody has the authority to question him, he thinks, angrily. Attacking Ruby, demanding of her, is impugning upon him — for she stands as an extension of him, and he cares for her.

His fingers find the back of her head, smoothing along the soft wave of her pale hair. ] I would like to know when you are facing difficulties, Ruby. I cannot make good on my word if I am unaware when you are struggling, or need me to intervene. I want to know who you value, who you are most scared of, so I can expect and counter as needed.

[ He hooks his arm below her thighs, sleek and powerful without any effort. Certainly she is light, but this is how he can demonstrate himself to her. ]

You and Hayame are both women who had to survive in inescapable situations, and the conditions of terror and abuse shaped you in different ways because of different environments. I do not say this because I wish you to be sympathetic toward her, your hate and revulsion toward people is genuinely lovely to me. I say it because it is my job to work with you both, not yours.

[ A pause, and he leans his spine back a little so that he can find her gaze. ]

I will never leave you for this, Ruby. The only way our relationship ends is if you choose to end it. Or you betray me — which is done by aligning with my brother, Osiris, or giving away my greatest shame or my greatest secret. Neither of which you currently know. Anything else, I simply do not care.

[appeale]

[ it's surreal to hear the reality of her life spoken aloud. she's never told Set a single thing about what she's been through, but he's seen fragments of it in Communion – and seen the effects of it, in her. after they connected beneath the Tree, she'd decided that she would never mention it again, that they could both carry on as though they didn't know, because that way he wouldn't have to pretend not to be disgusted with her. and yet, now, he mentions it so simply. it pries yet another thorn loose from her heart to hear her struggles acknowledged as such: inescapable. to hear it spoken of as terror and abuse, when for so long it has been nothing more than the mundane, day-to-day existence of her life.

she would have preferred to hide, but she meets Set's gaze when he searches for hers, more tears welling up in her eyes. he says all these things to her, everything she could ever want, and she is such a wretched, terrible excuse for a human being that, even so— ]

Even if I can't bring myself to believe you?

[ it sounds like a confession, coming from her. she remembers those words from the original Rudbeckia, in a scene that was never written within the pages of the novel: I probably would have spent the rest of my life testing your feelings. Even in my final moments, I would need to be assured that you were on my side. she's too much of a coward for that, to test a rope that she thinks might break, but...

the feeling made sense to her. she's the same way. no matter what someone tells her, believing it is a different matter. she's too damaged to be able to accept those words without caution, just as a beaten dog will bare its teeth at any kind hand offered. ]

Even if I'm awful, and selfish, and I doubt you over and over again... if I cause problems for you and I'm a burden... Am I still yours?

[redsoil]

[ Oh, he thinks. Is this what Nephthys meant, when she asked me to find joy in suffering together with humans? To find acceptance of them at their worse? Set cannot find love in his heart for humanity, even now. They are wretched, they have hunger beyond their right to possess, and greed and ugliness like insects. But, there are a few he has found that — by right of being "his", he can love. He had told Liem Talbott, that loving him and Ruby and Gen was the most painful love.

It was hard. It made him sick with it, to want to hold onto them despite their difficulties. Gen's animosity and abusive self-loathing, Liem's repression and endless self-neglect, and Ruby. Ruby, with her fear and endless need to be reassured because she cannot, and will not, believe in something that she could lose.

He supports her with one arm, the other seeking the soft curve of her cheek. The space below her eye where her tears gather and the bruises sit heavy on her pale face. When he touches, it is with hands that might not be quite sure enough about not being bruising or firm. A god of war is not a god of tenderness, though he has the capacity to be so very, very gentle. ( Part of him thinks she might not want him to be gentle, that she might wonder what lies behind a too-soft touch. So, he is always direct and firm with her. ) ]

You chose me.

[ That's all it took. ]

You can kick and scream, you can hide and lie, test me, cringe from me, curse at my rivals, cause problems, be wary of me, cry or flinch, beg and plead, cower from me or shelter in my arms — but, at the heart of you, you chose me. And you do believe me. Or in me, which is enough. Of course I will always think of you as mine.

[appeale]

[ under his touch, Rudbeckia allows herself to relax, her trust sincere and serene for once. her eyes fall shut and she leans into Set's hand; with all the tension gone from her body, all the parts of herself she keeps such a tight grasp on gone slack – her face seems to belong to someone deeply exhausted, not scared but lonely, and terribly sad. still, her mouth twists into a smile, and she releases a wet laugh. ]

You're going to turn me into a spoiled brat...

[ it's terrifying, letting herself be this greedy. wanting something, knowing that it can be taken from her so easily, that she could lose it through her own fault—it makes her feel sick. is this the best she can do? muster up the courage to leech off somebody else's kindness, unable to reciprocate in any way that matters? ahh. she's such an awful, twisted person.

but Set is so warm. these feelings are so warm. and she— ]

I like you. [ whether it's something she sends herself or a bleed that cannot be helped when their minds entangle so readily, there is a whisper of that love in Communion, the sensation of a heart full to aching. ] I mean it. I don't just want to stay with you because you're a god, or because I'm relying on you... I really, really like you.

[ she's still too afraid of the word love, having spoken it so many times in falsehood to soothe a predator, and fearful that it will be rejected the one time she presents it earnestly. ]