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WCB █ narration.
✦ what the heck is this post?
✦ why'd you link me to a screened comment?
content warnings for suicidal ideation and self-loathing within.
ruby is the POV character and narrator of the novel she's from, which means she comes with internal dialogue and narration. for the sake of murdergame secrecy, i've omitted her usual thoughts from her bracket text – but i still want to preserve them somewhere! it's not necessarily that these are Big Secrets, just that it's more fun not to know what she's thinking.
✦ why'd you link me to a screened comment?
that's where the omitted narration is! once the game ends, i'll unscreen everything, so it's like bonus content when you reread threads 👍
content warnings for suicidal ideation and self-loathing within.
no subject
... What the hell is this? I didn't die. I'm still... Rudbeckia. I didn't get to rest, I didn't get to leave anything behind. My whole life just fell apart, and I have to— I have to go through this now? Some insane horror movie bullshit. Is this a fucking joke?
Why? Why does this always happen to me...? I know I deserve it. I know. I know, I know, so just let me die already and I'll rot in Hell. I'm begging you. No more.
I can't even be relieved that I'm away from Cesare. Ah... I don't want to do this again. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to see Iske. He must already know, he'll hate me, he's going to kill me... That's fine. I won't try to avoid it any longer. Please. I just want to see him one more time. I should never have—
But I—
I'm still scared. I don't want to die... So what choice do I have? Just until I see Iske. Just until he puts me out of my misery... I have to keep going...
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What, so this is my third cycle? I don't even get to start over this time...? Give me a break. At least let me have one week to rest before you put me through Hell again.
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They already know information about us... so, I should get ahead of any surprises and be honest, right? Ugh. I hate to mention any of these bastards, but it's more strange if I don't.
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Yeah, and I'm sure lab rats get treated well too. That doesn't mean they live any longer.
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Damn it. The marriage question already...? What the hell do I do? If I say I'm married, people will ask me about it — then I have to decide whether I can lie about a happy romance, or say we don't get along... I don't want to. I don't want to talk about it, I don't. It feels disgusting. If I have to say one word about Iz just to keep up this stupid, pointless act, I think I really will break.
I'm sorry, Iz... Your wife is such a despicable coward. Haha... I guess I was going to be your ex-wife, anyway.
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... Ahh, wait. Were bananas around in Romagna...? I don't remember ever seeing one. They probably hadn't been discovered by Europe yet... Well, I really don't think anyone here is going to pick up on a discrepancy like that. I can't be bothered being that careful with it.
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—But I am a burden.
When someone says that – oh, don't worry, you're not a burden! – isn't that just the same as saying it'd be a problem if you were? Is that supposed to make me feel better? People like that just end up disappointed when they see how rotten I am on the inside, and then they'll blame me. Even though I warned them.
... I warned you, didn't I, Iz? You should have just given up on me the first time.
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Seriously... If some of you idiots don't want to live, can you at least not fuck it up for the rest of us? You're obviously powerless here, so just show a little common sense and keep your damn mouths shut.
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Not in this life.
... No, that's not it. Not in any life of mine. I know that.
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Why is the whole damn world always out to get me? You don't need to remind me. I know. That happy ending never belonged to me. I already gave up, so why...
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Oh, poor Cesare. It's a shame I never could tell you that you'd go down in history as nothing more than an icon of nepotism, despite all your ambitions. You might have been more competent than your rotten bastard of a father, but none of it mattered.
It would have been nice to bruise your ego a little.
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So what? He was throwing a tantrum, so it's all fine? Christ... I really doubt he's the kind of guy that would drag me around by the hair or anything, but that can always change. You have no idea how fast someone can raise their hand to hit you.
... I can't believe I still flinched. Come on, Ruby. I thought you didn't care anymore. Pain, misery, death... It doesn't matter now, right?
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Haaah... Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think I'm a child who can be soothed with a lullaby? None of you know a damn thing about me, so mind your own business.
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... So predictable. It's so boring... Do I really have to do all this...?
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Oh... After I decided I'd try to live anyway? My life really is so funny...
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You don't know anything about him, don't you fucking dare talk about him like—
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—Ah...
... I'm so angry with myself. For a moment there, I really— I thought I'd finally given up, but this stupid survival instinct of mine... I fell straight back on my old habits. I hate this. I'm so tired...
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Wouldn't it be nice, if my curse was something that petty? Unlucky in love... haha.
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Stop it. Just stop trying. You shouldn't be scared of these things anymore, none of it matters. So what if you die? Didn't you decide that you don't care? What's the point of being scared, then? Snap out of it already, you idiot.
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Oh, come on. Nobody really cares. Maybe you're all just scared because you're not used to it? Trust me, it gets boring soon enough...
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Which part of being in a room with a bunch of total strangers who might murder each other at any moment is "good company"...?
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... In what way? Do you really think people are friends just because they're polite enough to be nice to each other? You don't know me.
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Seriously? Pretending we're not all going to die and having to act all cheerful and friendly is what's draining to me.
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Oh... Does she think I'm sad? Why, because Rex and I shared a room? Usually, people want me to be the kind of pushover that isn't upset by anything... That's so funny. For once, I really don't care, and now I'm supposed to pretend that I do.
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Sorry, Nana. I think you're probably taking all this the hardest, but... I'm not someone who can spare any pity for others. There's nothing I can do for you.
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Oh, please. What normal person would die for a group of strangers over an accident?
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... Why? I didn't even ask to be born, and the life I did get is nothing but suffering, but I'm not allowed to live for myself? You can get lost and live in your imaginary utopia. Don't drag me into it.
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Ah... I understand. My only option was always death, right? From the very beginning. I'm being punished for wanting to live. If I had just kept my head down, if I hadn't hoped for a different ending, I wouldn't have suffered this much. It's all my fault. I thought I had accepted that, but I was still clinging on, wasn't I?
I get it. So you can stop now. I'll really, truly give up on everything.
... In the end, I don't think I'll get to see you one last time, Iz.