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( KENOS ) COMMUNION.
come on, wake up. | you have to be careful. |
don't make mistakes. | you know how quickly kindness can turn into violence. |
come on, wake up. | you have to be careful. |
don't make mistakes. | you know how quickly kindness can turn into violence. |
right after she slams the door in communion 8)
And the thing is, if he cannot get to her in his mind, he will simply find her as a person. Whole and physical and real, almost distracting her with Communion as he attempts to find her real shape ( in the shrine? her haven? ) and be there, too. Undeniable and determined.
In both his mind and reality, he says the same thing at the same time: ] I spoke with her, to reinforce the fact of our relationship. I will be explaining it to all of Meridian, then Zenith — once I am able to phrase it in a way that does not immediately make you a target. Neither Faction has any claim to you. Just me.
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but he comes to her in person. curled up on the floor of the shrine like a discarded doll – at the sight of him, the inescapable truth of his promise, life suddenly returns to her. her eyes well with tears, and she scrambles up off the floor to throw herself at Set instead, clinging to him with a desperate strength, the way she had in the roots beneath the Tree when he had made her this promise for the first time. ]
I hate them. [ it's not the screaming from the earlier Communion. her voice is small and tremulous, and her body trembles along with it. ] All of them. I really, really... [ hic! ] What did I ever do? I know I'm a burden, why does that mean I have to lay down and die? No matter what I did, they would have hated me eventually for not being good enough! So I was fine with living like a corpse, but now I'm the one to blame because other people might hurt me?! It's not my fault...!
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[ ( How he wished, once, that someone would have said those words to him. )
Rudbeckia lunges into his arms, and as he had below the Tree, he lifts her into them and draws her feet from the ground below. Strong of arm and sheltering of limb, as he tucks his face into the crook of her neck and breathes in the scent of her hair. ]
You were asked to survive impossible situations again, and again. The world has set you up for failure and pain, but that ends with me. Meridian, Zenith, your past — I will not leave you to be devoured by any of it. You must live. You have the right to live how you need to, until the day you can live how you want to, my Ruby.
[ Even if that day never comes, it will not change them. ]
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It is not your fault.
no one has ever said it. not once in her miserable existence has anyone told her the thing she's always wished she could hear. as much as she can tell herself that the blame isn't hers to bear — it leaves a bruise when she has carried it for so long. without even thinking, she begins to accept the fault as her own even while she cries and rails against the unfairness of it. but hearing someone else say it, hearing Set say it – that it isn't her fault, she didn't do anything wrong, she's suffered so much and endured it as best she can and he doesn't think that she's dirty or shameful and even if she's still like this he'll defend her because he knows that she's just trying to live—
it is a gasp of air for someone who has been drowning all her life, lungs filling so fast that her head spins. it is a knot pried loose, a thorn removed, a remedy applied to a festering wound. and with some of the unbearable, crushing weight lifted from her, she has enough room within herself to think—
ah. she loves him. she really, really loves him. no matter what happens in the near or distant future, whether he discards her harshly for her mistakes or she simply fades from his life when he has returned to the place he belongs and fulfilled his obligations to her, she won't ever forget any of this. these memories will remain precious, untainted by any bloodshed that may follow. ]
I'm sorry. [ it comes out strangled, a broken little cry that Set wouldn't have heard if he hadn't hoisted Ruby up, her arms wound tightly around his neck. ] I was trying not to cause you any trouble... We got in an argument before and she didn't like that I said I was yours, and I should have just kept my mouth shut. I shouldn't have said anything, back then or this time. I didn't want you to get tired of me...
[ her habit rears its head – as always, she cannot explain herself properly. she always rushes to the end. ]
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Why must she be anything to Meridian, when he stands for her? He keeps his vow, he proves his worth to the goal and shelters one who wishes that of him. Is that not power? Is that not proof of who he truly is and what he is capable of? Nobody has the authority to question him, he thinks, angrily. Attacking Ruby, demanding of her, is impugning upon him — for she stands as an extension of him, and he cares for her.
His fingers find the back of her head, smoothing along the soft wave of her pale hair. ] I would like to know when you are facing difficulties, Ruby. I cannot make good on my word if I am unaware when you are struggling, or need me to intervene. I want to know who you value, who you are most scared of, so I can expect and counter as needed.
[ He hooks his arm below her thighs, sleek and powerful without any effort. Certainly she is light, but this is how he can demonstrate himself to her. ]
You and Hayame are both women who had to survive in inescapable situations, and the conditions of terror and abuse shaped you in different ways because of different environments. I do not say this because I wish you to be sympathetic toward her, your hate and revulsion toward people is genuinely lovely to me. I say it because it is my job to work with you both, not yours.
[ A pause, and he leans his spine back a little so that he can find her gaze. ]
I will never leave you for this, Ruby. The only way our relationship ends is if you choose to end it. Or you betray me — which is done by aligning with my brother, Osiris, or giving away my greatest shame or my greatest secret. Neither of which you currently know. Anything else, I simply do not care.
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she would have preferred to hide, but she meets Set's gaze when he searches for hers, more tears welling up in her eyes. he says all these things to her, everything she could ever want, and she is such a wretched, terrible excuse for a human being that, even so— ]
Even if I can't bring myself to believe you?
[ it sounds like a confession, coming from her. she remembers those words from the original Rudbeckia, in a scene that was never written within the pages of the novel: I probably would have spent the rest of my life testing your feelings. Even in my final moments, I would need to be assured that you were on my side. she's too much of a coward for that, to test a rope that she thinks might break, but...
the feeling made sense to her. she's the same way. no matter what someone tells her, believing it is a different matter. she's too damaged to be able to accept those words without caution, just as a beaten dog will bare its teeth at any kind hand offered. ]
Even if I'm awful, and selfish, and I doubt you over and over again... if I cause problems for you and I'm a burden... Am I still yours?
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It was hard. It made him sick with it, to want to hold onto them despite their difficulties. Gen's animosity and abusive self-loathing, Liem's repression and endless self-neglect, and Ruby. Ruby, with her fear and endless need to be reassured because she cannot, and will not, believe in something that she could lose.
He supports her with one arm, the other seeking the soft curve of her cheek. The space below her eye where her tears gather and the bruises sit heavy on her pale face. When he touches, it is with hands that might not be quite sure enough about not being bruising or firm. A god of war is not a god of tenderness, though he has the capacity to be so very, very gentle. ( Part of him thinks she might not want him to be gentle, that she might wonder what lies behind a too-soft touch. So, he is always direct and firm with her. ) ]
You chose me.
[ That's all it took. ]
You can kick and scream, you can hide and lie, test me, cringe from me, curse at my rivals, cause problems, be wary of me, cry or flinch, beg and plead, cower from me or shelter in my arms — but, at the heart of you, you chose me. And you do believe me. Or in me, which is enough. Of course I will always think of you as mine.
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You're going to turn me into a spoiled brat...
[ it's terrifying, letting herself be this greedy. wanting something, knowing that it can be taken from her so easily, that she could lose it through her own fault—it makes her feel sick. is this the best she can do? muster up the courage to leech off somebody else's kindness, unable to reciprocate in any way that matters? ahh. she's such an awful, twisted person.
but Set is so warm. these feelings are so warm. and she— ]
I like you. [ whether it's something she sends herself or a bleed that cannot be helped when their minds entangle so readily, there is a whisper of that love in Communion, the sensation of a heart full to aching. ] I mean it. I don't just want to stay with you because you're a god, or because I'm relying on you... I really, really like you.
[ she's still too afraid of the word love, having spoken it so many times in falsehood to soothe a predator, and fearful that it will be rejected the one time she presents it earnestly. ]